Hansel and Gretel Bud and Kelly Style
by Em O'Gilt
Summary: Hansel and Gretel parody


Married With Children

Hansel And Gretel (AKA Bud and Kelly)

It's Hansel and Gretel…Bundy Style!

Once upon a time, Al Bundy was in a deep sleep after his 3 ½ minute (that's a record!) sex with Peggy…

"Honey, I'm home!" Al walked into his house after a long day at work.

"Father!" his children ran toward him and hugged him.

"Ugh," Al said, pushing him away. Then he looked up and saw his wife Marcy coming toward him. "It's payday, honey," he smiled.

"Show me the money," she held her hand out and he placed a ten dollar bill in her palm.

"What's this?" she asked, astonished.

"Well, it's my pay."

"TEN DOLLARS? What are we supposed to buy with this? Milk, eggs, and bread?"

"And a tv guide," Al added. "Don't forget the tv guide."

"I don't care about the tv guide! I care about food! We'll starve! Why did you only get 10 dollars, Al?"

"I'm a shoe salesmen. What do expect, Marcy?"

"_Steve_ brought much more money home then this!"

"Then why aren't you still with Steve, then?"

"Because…He died in a horrible banking accident."

"How the hell can you die in a bank?"

"He smashed his fingers in a vault and no one would help him…"

"I wonder why," Al muttered.

"Well, how did Peggy die? You never told me that!"

The kids, who were still there, leaned closer to her how their mother had died.

"Kids, plug your ears," Al said. They did so, unwillingly and then he said proudly, "I killed her." Marcy gave him a strange look. "Yep…Her big red hair and reluctance to clean made me just about have it with her…so I killed her."

"How very daring of you," Marcy muttered.

Just then, there was a big bang coming from the basement and a yell, "Al, you moron! I'm NOT dead!"

"What was that?" Marcy asked.

"Nothing!" Al said. Then muttered to himself, "Damn, I knew I forgot to gag her…" Then he said aloud, "Yep…you did the right thing to come crawling to me when your precious Steve died."

"Um, Al…You came crawling to _me_."

"I did not! I was coming over to see if you had any food and you seduced me!"

"You're the stupidest person I know!"

"Well…you look like a chicken!" he said smugly.

Later that night, the kids were supposedly asleep and Al and Marcy were in bed.

"Now Marcy," Al said. "I know what you want to do right now, but I'm too tired and I'm going to go to sleep."

"Oh, gross Al. I would never even DREAM about that."

"Oh, but I think you have before…" Al remembered back when Marcy had indeed had dreams of Al, but she always denied it.

"You know, Al," Marcy said. "We're not going to be able to afford to feed 4 mouths."

"Nonsense! We all survived for years and Peggy hardly ever cooked a meal! Or cleaned…or did anything really besides watch Oprah and eat her bon-bons…"

"Well, some of us are going to have to go."

"Okay…Bye Marcy," he waved.

"I'm serious Al. I think the kids would be better off living with someone else. Someone who can feed them and send them off to school."

"Kelly…and school? Haha. We've tried that one before. It doesn't work."

"I'm being serious! We've got to do away with the children."

"But they're my children, Marcy! And I love them!" then Al realized what he just said and then said, "What am I saying? Let's kick them out on the streets!"

"A little harsh, Al."

"Nonsense! They'll be better off on the streets than here."

"This is true. You tell them in the morning."

"Why me?"

"It's your kids," Marcy said simply.

Next morning, Al got up early and went into Bud's room.

"Alright, Bud. Up and at em."

Bud rolled over and saw what time it was. "Dad. It's 6:00!"

"Well I've got to go to work soon…"

"So?"

"I've taken the liberty of packing what little things you have." He pointed to a suitcase.

"Why?"

"Stop asking questions, boy! Get out of here!" When Bud still looked clueless, he said, "I'm kicking you out!"

"Of the house?"

"Yes, boy! Now go!"

"But Dad!" Bud's lip actually quivered. "What'd I do?"

"Nothing, just go, okay? Marcy's orders!" he lied, sort of.

He then hurried over to Kelly's room. He had to shake her really hard to wake her up.

She shot up exclaiming rather wildly, "I didn't steal the cookies from the cookie jar!"

"What?" Al asked. "Oh, never mind. Kelly, get out of bed and get out of the house."

"But why Daddy?" she asked.

"Marcy said so."

"She's so mean, Daddy!"

"I know, sweetheart…but you're better off somewhere else. You'll starve if you stay here. You need to find someone that can take care of you better…someone like…Bugs Bunny."

"Bugs Bunny?" Kelly's eyes lit up. "Ooh! Bye Daddy!" She kissed him on the cheek, grabbed her suitcase and ran.

"Okay, Marcy," Al said. "I got rid of the kids."

"Good. Now we can live happily ever after."

"I don't think there was ever a happy ending meant for me. I'm a shoe salesmen, remember? And plus, I'm married to _you_ for pete's sake!"

Down from in the basement, came more banging and a big shriek distinctly sounding like "AL!"

"What was that?" Marcy asked.

"Oh, probably just the ghost that haunts this house…She's haunted the house for years…"

"Uh-huh…" Marcy said doubtfully.

Meanwhile, Bud and Kelly were still standing just outside the house, puzzled.

"What are we supposed to do?" Kelly asked.

"I don't know, but I'm starving. Let's find some food." Then he spotted something on the ground. "Ooh! A piece of cheese!" he bent to grab it, but Kelly grabbed his arm.

"No, Bud! Don't eat that cheese!"

"Why not? I'm hungry!"

"Because…We might need to use the cheese crumbs as a trail to get back home." Coming from Kelly, this was a very good idea.

Bud was very surprised that Kelly came up with such an idea, but nevertheless said, "Why would we want to come back home? We got kicked out, remember?"

"Oh, Daddy will miss us too much. You'll see."

"Whatever," he shrugged. As they walked, Bud tore pieces of the cheese off and tossed them on the ground. Then he stopped after a moment and said, "Where are we going, anyway?"

Then Kelly pointed and exclaimed, "Look! It's Bugs Bunny! Like Daddy said!"

Bud wondered what the heck his idiot sister was talking about and looked where she was pointing. In a dark alley, stood a giant bunny. "That's just the Easter Bunny from the mall. I don't think he has a home and he looks dirty."

But Kelly was already rushing towards him. Bud ran after her before she got hurt.

"Bugs Bunny?" Kelly asked.

"No, I'm the Easter Bunny. Want to sit in my lap and take a picture?"

"Sure!" Kelly's eyes got big.

"It'll cost you $10."

"But I don't have any money…but Bud has cheese!" she exclaimed.

"That'll work. I'm starved." He snatched the cheese out of Bud's hands. Then he looked at Kelly, who was looking at him expectantly. "Well, what do you want, kid?"

"My picture!"

"Well what are you looking at me for?_ I_ don't have a camera!"

"You tricked me!" Kelly was shocked. "I hope that cheese was poisonous!"

Just then the bunny gagged and fell over.

Bud and Kelly stared at the bunny for a moment and then shrugged.

"Now what do we do? We don't have anything for a trail," Bud said.

"Let's just go back home. I miss Daddy."

"Well, we can try."

The two kids went and knocked on their house door.

"Who could that possibly be? You don't have any friends," Marcy said.

"Maybe it's Bud and Kelly!"

"Who?"

"Bud and Kelly, my children!"

"They're probably somewhere far away with a nice family that is feeding them!"

"I kind of doubt that. I'll answer it."

"No, _I'll_ answer it." Marcy got up and opened the door. She pretended to gasp. "Bud! Kelly! What were you doing out? Come back inside now!" she pulled them inside. The kids were confused, but happy they were being welcomed (somewhat) back inside their home.

"Bud, Kelly!" Al exclaimed. "I…uh…missed you so much!" Bud and Kelly scampered over to hug their father, who pushed them away. "Okay, okay! None of that mushy stuff!"

That night, Marcy said, "Alright. There's got to be a way to get them far away so they don't come back this time."

"Why don't we just give it a rest, Marcy? We've got just as much a chance of starving as they do!"

"Oh, Al…They're kids. They need to be somewhere where they can grow up healthy and that place is most definitely not here!"

"You're probably right…" he sighed. He was actually starting to _miss_ Peggy.

After some thought, Marcy said, "Okay. This is what we're going to do. We're going to give each of them a dollar and drop them off at the casino. Maybe they'll win lots of money and then they'll be better off."

"Why can't _we_ go to the casino? Maybe _we'd_ win lots of money and _we'd_ be better off! I could buy a big screen television! And a better toilet! I'd be in paradise, Marcy!"

"No, Al. We're not betting our money. We're going to save it."

"Fine, then," he pouted.

In Bud's room, Kelly said, "Bud, did you hear that?"

"Yeah, I did. That's crazy!" Then he looked over and realized Kelly was right beside him. "Kelly, what are you doing in my bed?"

"Don't I always sleep here?"

"Um…no. Go back to your room."

The next morning, Marcy was handing each of them a dollar bill and some convincing fake ID and then they were off to the casino. Once they got there, Al said, "Bye kids. It was nice knowing you."

"Bye, Daddy!" Kelly waved.

"Bye, Dad," Bud said really sadly.

When they got inside, Bud said, "Okay. We've only got two dollars, so…"

"One dollar," Kelly corrected him.

"No, Kelly. We have _two_ dollars." He knew his sister couldn't count.

"I used mine as the trail for us to get back home," she said proudly.

"WHAT?" Bud's eyes nearly popped out of their sockets.

"I tore the dollar into pieces and tossed them out the window as we went!" she smiled widely. "Aren't you proud of me, Bud?"

"Um…" There was no point in saying what he really thought, because it would only confuse her. Instead he said, "Good job, Kelly," patting her back.

"Thanks!"

"Now…Where should we bet this one dollar?"

"Um…the slot machines!"

"Okay," he shrugged and they walked over to the machines.

"Can I do it?" Kelly asked excitedly.

"Why not? What have we got to lose?"

"This dollar," Kelly pointed out.

"Thanks, Kel," he said sarcastically, as he put the money in.

Kelly pulled the lever and started clapping excitedly as if she were on _Wheel of Fortune_, waiting for the spinner to stop. When the slots stopped and they got nothing, they both realized that they were doomed. Kelly started to cry.

"Oh, don't cry, Kelly! There's got to be other ways of getting money…"

Just then, some middle aged guy walked by and whistled, eyeing Kelly. "I'd sure like to see _her_ dance!"

"Yeah," another man said. "That's the kind of thing I'd pay money to see!"

Bud slowly and mischievously turned his head to face Kelly. She gave him one look and said, "Oh, no. My body is not for show."

But nevertheless, a few moments later, Kelly was standing for all to see, dancing for her life (or money, in this case). She danced and she danced. Shaking her hips, banging her head around, all that jazz. At one point a man yelled, "Take your top off!"

Kelly stopped dancing, appalled, and said, "No way, loser."

"I'll give you $50!" he bribed.

Bud took a deep breath, looked at Kelly and said, "Take your top off."

Kelly shot Bud a mean look, but took it off nevertheless.

By the end of the evening, or when people starting getting bored with her, they had collected a grand total of $2,000.

"Kelly! Look at this! $2,000! We're rich!"

"Wow! We can go to_ Disneyland_!" she exclaimed.

"Um…yeah…"

Just as they were excitedly going out the door of the casino, pondering on what to do next, a police officer stopped them. "Okay, kids. Hand over the money. There is no way you are 21."

Bud protested, "Well of course we are!" and handed over their fake IDs.

"Well…" he said slowly. "Maybe the girl is, but you look like you're 12!"

"Hey!"

"Well, nevertheless, I bet this girl doesn't have a license for the dancing she was doing in there! And if you don't hand over this money, you're going to jail!"  
"Not if I can help it!" Kelly exclaimed and kicked the officer in the nuts. Then they both made a run for it, Bud carrying the money in a jar.

They ran and they ran until they came across a strange looking house. It was big, brown, and…made of bon-bons? The kids curiously walked over to the house and Kelly immediately began eating parts of the windows.

"Kelly!" Bud whispered. "What are you doing?"

"Eating! It's candy, Bud! Eat some!"

"Why do I suddenly feel like I'm in a fairy tale?" But he was hungry, so he began eating as well.

Then they heard a woman say, "Who is eating my bon-bons?" Then she walked out to see the two children stuffing their faces with parts of her house. "Oh! Bud, Kelly!"

The kids turned to see a woman with witch attire, including the pointed hat. It looked like she had red hair, but they couldn't really tell, for it was hidden in the hat.

"How do you know our names?" Bud asked curiously.

"Well, I know your father!"

"You do? How?"

"I'm his wife!" she exclaimed, a little bitterly.

"But dad's married to Marcy!" Bud protested.

The woman took off her hat for a moment, revealing her big red hair. "I'm your mother, silly! Don't you recognize me?"

"B-b-but Mom's dead!" Bud stuttered.

"Pfft! Al locked me in the _basement_!"

Kelly and Bud looked horrified. "Why'd he do that?" Kelly asked.

"I don't know. It's your _father_. He's weird! Something about him being tired of me not cleaning or cooking. Isn't that silly?"

"Um…" Bud started.

"Now kids, come inside with me. When Marcy gets here is when the fun begins."

"Why would Marcy come here?"

"Because I invited her! Or…_Steve_ did."

"But Steve's dead," Kelly said.

"Well, the note said something like, _Oh, honey, I'm not really dead. Come to this address so I can see you again_, or something like that," she laughed.

"And Mom?"

"Yes, Bud?"

"How did you get out of the basement?"

"Never mind that," she chuckled. Just then, there was a knock at the door. Al and Marcy were both standing on the doorstep. "Hi!" Peggy exclaimed. "Welcome to my humble home! Come on in!"

The two stepped inside, very much confused. "Where's Steve?" Marcy demanded.

"Steve's dead," Peggy said.

"No he's not. He sent me a letter saying…"

"_I_ sent that letter you fool!" Peggy ripped the hat off her head, pulled a wand from behind her back and pointed it at Marcy, immediately turning her into a chicken.

"BUH-GAW!" Marcy the chicken protested.

"I _knew_ she was a chicken!" Bud said.

"I _knew_ you were a witch!" Al exclaimed.

Peggy grabbed a shotgun from where it was mounted on the wall and shot the chicken. She laughed and said, "Now we have food!"

"Can't argue with that," Al said.

"YAY!" Bud and Kelly exclaimed.

"Now we can all live happily ever after!" Peggy smiled.

"This family will _never_ live happily ever after, Peg," Al said. "I'm a shoe salesmen," he reminded her.

"Oh, darn. I keep forgetting…Oh well. We've made it this far," she shrugged and then laughed again and her family joined in on the laughter. Then Peggy said, "Want a bon-bon anyone?" gesturing toward the house.

Al slowly woke up from his sleep and opened his eyes to see Peggy snoring beside him. He smiled and let out a sigh. "I would much rather have this thing then that _Marcy_…" he shuttered. He turned over in the bed to see a silhouette of a person standing by his bed. He turned on his lamp to see Marcy. "AAAH!" he exclaimed.

"Al!" she said, hands on hips. "Your stupid dog is keeping us up! Get him to quiet down!" The way she was bobbing her head as she was angry, made her look even more like a chicken pecking.

"Peggy!" Al exclaimed in horror, shaking her. "Use your magic! Use your magic!"

"What?" Peggy moaned, half asleep.


End file.
